We here at Armchair Commentary are extremely pleased to bring to you, the faithful reader, an exclusive interview with "The Dictator" himself, Admiral General Aladeen. Fresh off his tour of promoting the movie about himself and eagerly anticipating the DVD and Blu-ray release, the exulted one took the time out to answer a few questions.
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions of Admiral General Aladeen are his alone and do not reflect the views or opinions of anyone associated with Armchair Commentary, any other blog or any sane person anywhere in this world or another alternate universe either real or created solely for the purpose of a science fiction story.
General Aladeen, clearly you are in favor of a complete dictatorship as a political ethos but if you had to choose a second option, what would it be and why?
Firstly, please use my correct title – it’s actually Admiral General Aladeen. In fact my full title is Admiral General Aladeen, Supreme Leader, Chief Ophthalmologist, Invincible and all Triumphant Beloved Oppressor of the People of Wadiya and Excellent Swimmer (Including butterfly). I also have 118 PhDs. And a diploma in spray tanning from Qatar Community College. And I am 7 ½ feet tall. Sorry, what was the question? Ah yes, a second option other than a full dictatorship... I think democracy, but with a few provisos: one, there would be elections, but only every 500 years, two, I would be the only person who could vote, and three, my name would be the only one on the ballot paper. The last one makes a lot of sense – it would completely eliminate the chance of electoral fraud.
Other than “The Dictator” itself, what was your favorite movie of the past year? And secondly, what is your favorite movie of all time?
Apart from The Dictator, my favorite movie of last year was that clip on YouTube of the talking dog being teased by his owner about food in the refrigerator... I love that film! My favourite film of all time would either be one of the great fantasy movies, like Lord of the Rings or Schindler’s List, or the grainy Super 8 footage taken of JFK in Dallas in 1963.
Beatles or Stones?
That’s a tough one – I have tortured people using both of them: feeding prisoners beetles is probably more enjoyable than covering them with stones, although occasionally you get someone who actually likes the taste and that ruins it.
What are your ideas for how we should deal with the continuing global climate change crisis in both the short and long term?
I have personally done my bit to reduce global warming by building a personal ski resort in the Wadiyan desert - not easy, as the average daily temperature is 118 degrees. It uses 20 billion bottles of Fiji Water per day to make the snow. That is not the only way my country has gone green - all our torture implements are now solar powered and we don't just dispose of western journalists, we recycle them – in fact for every one I behead, I plant a new one in the ground. Alive. Also I’m very diligent about trying to reduce my uranium footprint.
Who is your favorite Muppet and why?
I like the one who has no eyes – he inspired me to perform a similar procedure on some of my political opponents. And of course I love the fat talking pig, simply because the thought of her is so repugnant to the my enemies.
What was your relationship like with your mother and father?
I never knew my mother. She was an Air France Flight Attendant who tragically died in childbirth – of strangulation. My father also left me early and died when I was just six. He was a very loving parent though and I have very fond memories of the short time we spent together – I recall just after my fifth birthday playing Lego with him: together we built a full sized gallows with it and then he let me watch as his Prime Minister was hanged.
Just what was your father hunting on that tragic day he was killed?
My father was hunting traditional Wadiyan wildlife – you know, jackals, camels and Kurdish rebels. Although officially his death was accidental and he died after being hit by 97 stray bullets and a stray grenade, there are rumors that he actually committed suicide. I personally hope that this was the case, as it would mean he died doing what he loved the most – killing people.
With the Olympics having just passed, it’s natural to wonder when the great competitors of the Wadiyan Spring Games will compete in the Olympic Games. When will that happen?
Firstly, I must say that it is an outrage that Wadiya was banned from the London Olympics and I do not know if we will be welcome at Rio. Even though our athletes did not attend this year, I still sent some “representatives”. I cannot say what they will be doing in Britain, but let’s just say that the biggest fireworks display in London this year will not be the one at the Opening Ceremony.
The ban is also a personal tragedy for me since I am my country’s number one athlete and fastest runner. In the recent Wadiyan Games I won the 100Meters Gold after my closest rival retired in the Semi Finals suffering from a badly ruptured uncle. Of all my sporting acheivments though, I would have to say that my proudest is probably the threesome I had with the Williams sisters.