The Best 'Bad' Movies (The First in a Series)
There are movies I watch because of the plot brilliance (The Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption ). There
are movies I watch because of the actors or directors (Joel & Ethan Coen or
Tim Burton, and clearly, anything with Johnny Depp).
And then there are the movies I have no idea why I watch. But I watch them ---repeatedly--for no reason. They’re not even good movies. I own them all, but even if they pop up on cable on a Saturday, there I sit, taking in the atrocity and enjoying every minute of it.
So began my list of the best ‘bad’ movies of all time. They are movies that got two stars or less (on my cable TV rating), did not make a lot of money in theaters or on DVD and have not achieved “cult” status like Heathers or Better Off Dead. (Except in my mind.) I am almost embarrassed to share these, but here goes nothing .
First on this list is Airheads. I love this movie. And it’s horrible. It’s about three idiotic musicians that take a radio station hostage in order to get their song played on the radio. It features everyone from Judd Nelson as a money-hungry record exec, to Michael McKean with a bad, fake ponytail, and even Michael Richards in a pre-Kramer haze, crawling around air ducts and perfecting his soon-to-be famous pratfalls.
But, the true gems of this train wreck of a movie are the trio of main characters consisting of Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi, and Adam Sandler. The casting director must have been stoned, but it’s fantastic to see Buscemi and Sandler together in one of the weirdest buddy pairings ever. They play brothers. Not kidding. And oh! Did I mention that we even get a small appearance from David Arquette as the typical idiotic radio station employee?
To top it off, there are some great ‘quotable’ moments in Airheads.
How do you tell if someone is a cop or a record producer? Ask him the following:
Chazz (Brendan Fraser)
- “whose side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?
Chris Moore (Harold Ramis):
What?
Chazz: whose side did you take: (Van)
Halen or Roth?
Chris Moore: ...Van Halen
Ian: (Joe Mantegna) HE'S A COP!
Or this one!
Chazz: Who'd win in a
wrestling match, Lemmy or God?
Chris Moore: Lemmy.
[Rex imitates a game show buzzer]
Chris Moore: ... God?
Rex: (Buscemi) Wrong, d*ckhead,
trick question. Lemmy *IS* God.
Ahh, the beauty of the cheesiness is never ending.
So check it out. I recommend having a few adult beverages
first (if you are of age, of course). And tell me what your ‘best bad movies
are.’ Remember the criteria:
- Two stars or less on a 5-star rating scale
- Not a ‘cult’ hit like Better Off Dead or Spinal Tap
- Somebody beside you has seen the movie multiple times.
- Not a box office hit – didn’t make a lot of money upon release to theaters.
Stay tuned to see the next horrible ‘gem’ of a movie on my list.
James Felix on September 26, 2008 at 12:50 PM
First of all, Road House and Baseketball are awesome by any reasonable standard and therefore ineligible for this list. Having said that I nominate:
The cold war classic "Red Dawn"
"Cannonball Run", the last gasp of the wacky "star studded" adventure comedies.
"Sextette", so mind-bendingly awful you begin to question the evidence of your senses
"Hot Stuff"... which marks the third appearance of Dom DeLuis on my list
"Jaws IV", first film to use the now cliche' tagline "this time it's personal"
Roborob on September 26, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Big Trouble in Little China? Don't know if it got panned all over, but the reviewer in my home town really hated it.
"It's all in the reflexes."
Erin on September 26, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Passerby -
You're not the only household that used that phrase. Not only that, but we settle all family disagreements with Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Big Trouble in Little China
Hudson Hawk
Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension
Remo Williams
Vanna516 on September 26, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Again it has to be Tremors - Kevin Bacon & Reba!!
Anonymous on September 26, 2008 at 12:52 PM
The Stupids
Tom Arnold trying to track down who's been stealing his garbage every week off the curb. Terrible movie with some funny moments. At least I find them funny.
Trying to find the fastest mode of transportation. Sees a bicycle and says, "Two wheels." Sees a car and approvingly says, "Four wheels!" Sees rollerblades and enthusiastically says, "Eight wheels!!!"
Ending up in a dark auditorium, thinking they died, waiting to meet "The Lord" only to find the janitor, Lloyd. Laughs and whispers to his son, "and to think we had it wrong all this time."
And then there's the drive bee. Don't ask; it's terrible.
In the name of The Lloyd, this is a bad movie.
Rick on September 26, 2008 at 12:54 PM
"Manos, The Hands of Fate"
Trust me. It's astoundingly bad.
It's a 1966 horror movie produced, written, directed, and starring El Paso TX fertilizer salesman Hal Warren. It features hackney dialogue, wooden acting, awful sets, and bad sound. Major parts of the film aren't even in focus, and the following the action on the night scenes is made difficult by all the moths in the camera view (attracted by the lights).
Bob Wang on September 26, 2008 at 12:57 PM
Soldiers deserve soldiers, Sir.
mindnumbrobot on September 26, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Big Trouble in Little China
Beryl Gray on September 26, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Big Trouble in Little China.
Over and over again. Kurt Russel doing the whole movie as a John Wayne impersonation.
"It will come out no more!" "What? Huh? What'll come out no more?"
And the marvelous James Hong: "Shut up, Mr. Burton! You are not brought upon this world to get it!"
Nathan on September 26, 2008 at 01:01 PM
Zardoz. That movie is a wreck on so many levels, but I can't stop watching it when its on.
Stephen W. Stanton on September 26, 2008 at 01:02 PM
The Last Dragon. (with "Bruce Leroy")
Howard the Duck.
The Golden Child.
Red Sonja.
Airborne.
They get increasingly embarrasing from there.
Mark B on September 26, 2008 at 01:02 PM
Son-In-Law
I'd almost hesitate to include this, because I actually don't think it's a bad movie, but then I remembered that, by definition, any film starring Pauly Shore is a bad movie, so I'll nominate it.
The plot is a classic 80's fish out of water story complete with evil yuppie-ish boyfriend playing dirty tricks. The jokes are mostly cliched, but Pauly has enough good lines to make it work when combined with a fresh-faced Carla Gugino and a semi-striptease from Tiffany Amber Thiessen.
Crawl: [sees Walter Sr. widdling on the porch] Oh, my God, it's Bartles or James. Dude, which one are you?
Stephen W. Stanton on September 26, 2008 at 01:03 PM
Whoever wrote "Soldier" was onto something. Good call.
Buford Gooch on September 26, 2008 at 01:03 PM
"Johnny Suede" My brother and I watched this Brad Pitt stinkeroo together and laughed through the whole thing twice. I don't think it was made to be funny. We came up with all sorts of possible symbolism for the fire shown off and on throughout the movie.
Nathan on September 26, 2008 at 01:04 PM
And forgot another Brendon Fraizer movie "Blast from the Past."
Bachelor Party
Fear of a Black Hat
JD on September 26, 2008 at 01:04 PM
Phantasm--creepy little trolls
greg on September 26, 2008 at 01:06 PM
brilliant idea for a post.
commando with gov'nor arnold. arnold takes down an entire banana republic by himself - incredible.
a night at the roxbury. i watched three times the first time i rented it. before will ferrell was huge.
here here on tremors and starship troopers. i don't think repo man can be considered a bad movie...that's alex cox
Bob_R on September 26, 2008 at 01:06 PM
The Cotton Club - Awful movie in so many ways (and a cynical effort on the part of the writers and directors) but one of my guilty pleasures.
TinfoilHatter on September 26, 2008 at 01:07 PM
Zardoz. Sean Connery dressed, in the immortal words of Channel 4, in "a red nappy, knee-high leather boots, pony tail and Zapata moustache."
The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was, but the gun shoots death, and purifies the Earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth . . . and kill!
Best. Line. Ever.
It's the Stoner's 2001.
Andrew on September 26, 2008 at 01:08 PM
Nothing that was ever an MST3K episode can be nominated. The point is to nominate bad movies that have touches of brilliance to them. MST3K films are, contrariwise, rituallistcally flogged for their badness, that we may derive entertainment from the flogging.
Therefore, "Manos" must be struck from the list, as must Ed Wood's entire body of work.
And because I watch too much MST3K, I can't even come up with a movie to nominate.
I'd agree with Airheads, as I always watch it, for the quoted exchanges and for the moment when Lemmy himself, in the scene where everyone cops to be a dork in high school ("I used to masturbate...constantly!") says that he was an editor of the school newspaper. Classic.
Also Big Trouble in Little China. Utter crap, but entertaining crap.
Would "They Live" qualify?
Alf on September 26, 2008 at 01:08 PM
I can't believe that I haven't seen Hudson Hawk on this list. Burce Willis and Danny Aiello, Sandra Bernhard and Andi McDowell. Fantastically bad.
DensityDuck on September 26, 2008 at 01:10 PM
Weekend At Bernie's.
"Somebody screwed up, and it wasn't us! ...was it?"
Buford Gooch on September 26, 2008 at 01:12 PM
"Big Man on Campus"
Absolutely hilarious.
They take the dude into a KFC type place, oreder some chicken for themselves, then tell the dude, "you can have any part of the chicken you want." He looks st the counter person and says, "Two faces." Lots of other odd dialog.
Ogre on September 26, 2008 at 01:12 PM
The greatest guy flick of all time, "From Dusk till Dawn". Scores perfectly on the "three b's" scale (bullets, blood, boobs).
Ditto on Tremors. Too much fun.
BlogDog on September 26, 2008 at 01:14 PM
The Matrix
Just very simply the best bad movie ever made. For all the arguments that can made about how good it is, there is a level of acting, writing and story-telling suck that is simply breath-taking, despite all the innovation spackled onto the crumbling drywall which is The Matrix.
Honestly, how can something that seems so new be so cliched?