The Best 'Bad' Movies (The First in a Series)
There are movies I watch because of the plot brilliance (The Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption ). There
are movies I watch because of the actors or directors (Joel & Ethan Coen or
Tim Burton, and clearly, anything with Johnny Depp).
And then there are the movies I have no idea why I watch. But I watch them ---repeatedly--for no reason. They’re not even good movies. I own them all, but even if they pop up on cable on a Saturday, there I sit, taking in the atrocity and enjoying every minute of it.
So began my list of the best ‘bad’ movies of all time. They are movies that got two stars or less (on my cable TV rating), did not make a lot of money in theaters or on DVD and have not achieved “cult” status like Heathers or Better Off Dead. (Except in my mind.) I am almost embarrassed to share these, but here goes nothing .
First on this list is Airheads. I love this movie. And it’s horrible. It’s about three idiotic musicians that take a radio station hostage in order to get their song played on the radio. It features everyone from Judd Nelson as a money-hungry record exec, to Michael McKean with a bad, fake ponytail, and even Michael Richards in a pre-Kramer haze, crawling around air ducts and perfecting his soon-to-be famous pratfalls.
But, the true gems of this train wreck of a movie are the trio of main characters consisting of Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi, and Adam Sandler. The casting director must have been stoned, but it’s fantastic to see Buscemi and Sandler together in one of the weirdest buddy pairings ever. They play brothers. Not kidding. And oh! Did I mention that we even get a small appearance from David Arquette as the typical idiotic radio station employee?
To top it off, there are some great ‘quotable’ moments in Airheads.
How do you tell if someone is a cop or a record producer? Ask him the following:
Chazz (Brendan Fraser)
- “whose side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?
Chris Moore (Harold Ramis):
What?
Chazz: whose side did you take: (Van)
Halen or Roth?
Chris Moore: ...Van Halen
Ian: (Joe Mantegna) HE'S A COP!
Or this one!
Chazz: Who'd win in a
wrestling match, Lemmy or God?
Chris Moore: Lemmy.
[Rex imitates a game show buzzer]
Chris Moore: ... God?
Rex: (Buscemi) Wrong, d*ckhead,
trick question. Lemmy *IS* God.
Ahh, the beauty of the cheesiness is never ending.
So check it out. I recommend having a few adult beverages
first (if you are of age, of course). And tell me what your ‘best bad movies
are.’ Remember the criteria:
- Two stars or less on a 5-star rating scale
- Not a ‘cult’ hit like Better Off Dead or Spinal Tap
- Somebody beside you has seen the movie multiple times.
- Not a box office hit – didn’t make a lot of money upon release to theaters.
Stay tuned to see the next horrible ‘gem’ of a movie on my list.
Listen to an interview with TV star Justin Kirk. He talks about filming the latest season of
on September 26, 2008 at 12:12 PM
Highlander 2
Ben on September 26, 2008 at 12:16 PM
Baseketball. Can't say for sure, but there's no way this movie got more than a star by anybody's rating system. But it's got a great soundtrack and the uncomfortably funny humor of its stars, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. And it's definitely a "comfort flick" for me.
DamnCrackers on September 26, 2008 at 12:20 PM
Remember,
Roadhouse...Patrick Swayze...best worst movie ever!!!
Steve: Being called a c*cksucker isn't personal?
Dalton: No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.
Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a whore?
Dalton: Is she?
Mars vs Hollywood on September 26, 2008 at 12:22 PM
Last Action Hero, with Arnold Schwarzenegger. A weird but affectionate lampoon of action-movie cliches that manages to make fun of its subject without showing contempt for it. Famous as one of the big box office bombs of all time, but I keep running into people that, like me, love it.
(Schwarzenegger's character comes home and immediately shoots a bad guy through a closet door in his apartment)
"How did you know there was a guy in there?"
*shrugs* "There's ALWAYS a guy in there."
Joe on September 26, 2008 at 12:22 PM
"Tremors"
Almost twenty years later we still quote lines off of it, and it's a pizza and beer party tradition like Caddyshack or Blues Brothers.
"Back to School"
Rodney at his finest. Kurt Vonnegut. Oingo Boingo. Watched it again last night.
Joel on September 26, 2008 at 12:25 PM
Starship Troopers, and that's as a Heinlein fan. Just campy fun.
Cookie the Dog's Owner on September 26, 2008 at 12:27 PM
"The X From Outer Space" - a strange combination indeed: a Japanese giant-rubber-monster movie with a mid-century lounge jazz soundtrack, spaceships that look like the Yellow Submarine, and a love triangle superimposed on the giant-monster-tears-up-Tokyo main plot.
Joel on September 26, 2008 at 12:27 PM
Starship Troopers, and that's as a Heinlein fan. Just campy fun.
Brian on September 26, 2008 at 12:28 PM
Freddy got Fingered
"Daddy, we're in Pakistan!"
Ready to Rumble
"I will rule you!"
John Carpenter's Vampires
"He'll be unstoppable, unless we can stop him."
Passerby on September 26, 2008 at 12:29 PM
ibid -Tremors.
"I gots me a play-an" - followed by running off, has become a family staple. Also, Alex Keaton's dad packing a variety of heat. A terrific, if bad, film.
I like Rustler's Rhapsody, though I don't consider it a "bad" film. Tom Berenger as a cowboy who can sing, riding a horse that can dance - Marilu Henner *and* Sela Ward ... Andy Griffith as the bad guy. Endlessly quotable .."So, this is a tough guy bar .." "Where's the human hair?" ... 'A *confident* heterosexual". et cetera.
.
Randy on September 26, 2008 at 12:34 PM
Deep Rising
I have no clue why I like it so much but I really do.
Guns, Mercs, Dames, Sea Monsters, Cruise Ship. How could that possibly go wrong.
"On one hand, we've got a luxury liner making its maiden cruise whose passengers include a sexy burglar and a crook. On the other hand, we have a small, very fast ship full of mercenaries and torpedoes, whose crew is asking too few questions. In the middle, a member of the Ottoia family, and no, that's not a drug lord. It's a giant priapulid worm."
Christopher Johnson on September 26, 2008 at 12:34 PM
Armageddon. Piece of crap(I especially loved Liv Tyler's ability to teleport instantly between Houston and Cape Canaveral) but I love and watch it all the time. If my apartment was ever on fire, that would be one of the first things I'd grab on my way out the door.
Janet on September 26, 2008 at 12:35 PM
Any Which Way You Can and Every Which Way But Loose -- poor ratings, mindless, great for watching when you're brain dead. OK Eastwood, good Ruth Gordon, bad Sondra Locke, great chimp.
Ed on September 26, 2008 at 12:36 PM
Without a Clue
Ben Kingsly and Michael Kane. I may be the only one who loves this movie, but I love it absolutely.
mike d on September 26, 2008 at 12:36 PM
Robot Monster...the greatest bad movie ever made.
A dude in a monkey suit wearing a diving helmet is the alien bad guy.
Money quote: "At what point on the graph do MUST and CANNOT meet? I MUST, and yet I CANNOT."
Pure gold.
Taxi1 on September 26, 2008 at 12:38 PM
Three O'Clock High
"You and me, we're gonna have a fight. Today. After school. Three o'clock. In the parking lot. You try and run, I'm gonna track you down. You go to a teacher, it's only gonna get worse. You sneak home, I'm gonna be under your bed. "
JamieIrons on September 26, 2008 at 12:39 PM
Ishtar (gets 3.6 out of 10 stars on IMDB, which would be less than 2 of 5).
Worth the price of admission: Lyle Rogers (Warren Beatty) and Chuck Clarke (Dustin Hoffman) crawling across the desert, dying of thirst but composing yet another really bad song, and one of them says (I think Hoffman):
"This is some of our best work!"
Jamie Irons
Christopher Hay on September 26, 2008 at 12:39 PM
WENDIGO!
Matt from St Paul on September 26, 2008 at 12:40 PM
It used to be 'How I Got Into College' because of a Lara Flynn Boyle crush (which stopped when I heard what Nicholson was rumored to have asked her to bleach), but I have two others: Last Man Standing, where Bruce Willis tries his hand at a Yojimbo remake, or Point Break. Can't miss with Keanu and Swayze.
Matt from St Paul on September 26, 2008 at 12:41 PM
It used to be 'How I Got Into College' because of a Lara Flynn Boyle crush (which stopped when I heard what Nicholson was rumored to have asked her to bleach), but I have two others: Last Man Standing, where Bruce Willis tries his hand at a Yojimbo remake, or Point Break. Can't miss with Keanu and Swayze.
Ian on September 26, 2008 at 12:42 PM
Repo Man. It's 4 a.m., do you know where your car is?
Sean on September 26, 2008 at 12:43 PM
Freaked
The Rasta Eyes Rule "Dat sock fulla holes, mon"
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109838/
Jeff Mitchell on September 26, 2008 at 12:44 PM
Lot's of folks hated Ishtar, but I thought it was pretty funny, esp the duets with Hoffman and Beatty... who can forget the catchy, "Come look, there's a wardrobe of love in my eyes/Take your time, look around, maybe see something your size." Truly classic.
I really think the worst movie ever is "Robot Monster". C'mon... a gorilla suit and a WWII-era diving helmet?? And pithy dialog, "I am not a human...I am a Ro - Man."
Truly BAD.
Scott Wood on September 26, 2008 at 12:46 PM
H.E.A.L.T.H., a Robert Altman movie which, in Altmanesque style, bounces between bizarre stories centered around the convention of a New Ageish Health organization.
I saw it once on TV during the summer of 1983, and haven't been able to find it again. Supposedly it is so bad that Altman refused to allow it to be put on DVD.
I'd probably hate it on a second viewing, but I was utterly captivated on the first viewing.
Will Collier on September 26, 2008 at 12:48 PM
"Deep Blue Sea." Not only is this "Jaws 3" rip-off a steaming hunk of wet, scaly cheese, all the human characters are so unlikable, you're completely free to root for the sharks (the lone exception is LL Cool J, who appropriately enough survives).